I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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