Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
