Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
