Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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