you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
