On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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