That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
