Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
