I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
