I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
