The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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