Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize