I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
