i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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