The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
