sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
