Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
