I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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