Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
