Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
