I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Randomize
