I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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