First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
