somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
