She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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