Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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