Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
