He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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