i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
