i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
