Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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