I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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