I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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