Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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