Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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