drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
