I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
