so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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