Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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