anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
