I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My vagina just recognized that song.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
