I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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