Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
