im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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