Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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