i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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