Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
