u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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