On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
