I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
