Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
