you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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