i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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