Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
