The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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