You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
