i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
