Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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