I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
