you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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