it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
