My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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