His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
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stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dignity is for republicans.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
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The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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